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Aftermath Survival Guide

Eating People

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Have you ever looked at a guy in a non-sexual way and said, “I really want a piece of him in my mouth?” In the world of Aftermath, that’s not strange statement. Most of us aren’t seasoned forest rangers who can go into the woods with a butter knife and build a shopping mall. To survive you must rely on what you know. Meat = Food plain and simple.

Most people are going to have to live off the land to survive. That can actually be a death sentence in itself. There was a jingle to remember what berries in the woods were poisonous. “Green and sweet and good to eat” or was it “Red and sweet and good to eat” either way you can’t leave your survival up to a coin toss.

You use the same principles in cooking a steak that you would use when cooking a person. Overcooked is better than undercooked to guarantee you won’t get sick from raw meat. The creative part is how to do the actual cooking. Rotisserie style, skillet, barbeque grates, the goal is to have the cooking apparatus has to be raised up over the fire and not sitting directly on it. This is so you’re able to add more wood to keep the fire going.

It’s kill or be killed out there. You have to focus on your survival no matter what the cost. Eating a person doesn’t make you evil, it just makes you more in tune with how the world is run now. You must always remember that you must do whatever you have to if it ensures your survival, even eat someone.

Joe Reyes

 

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Fake News Stories

Recycling Plant Of Terror

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 eric

Public Worker hurls javelin into a crowd after boxes pile up

After hours of tireless work, Township worker Eric Johnson finally snapped and hurled a piece of scrap metal, like an Olympic Athlete, into unsuspecting townsfolks. The mental breakdown happened after the baler (machine designed to crush cardboard) was filled to the top.

Many people did not use the Recycling Center the previous day because of heavy snowfall. The day after, the workers had a bombardment of customers, most of them bringing mass loads of cardboard to be recycled.

On a typical day, the process of emptying out the baler takes as long as it takes the maintenance worker to come up to the Recycling Plant with the truck to take it.

“It is usually a quick process. The guy shows up within an hour or two and empties it,” said an unnamed Township Worker who witnessed the incident.

This particular day, the maintenance worker tasked with emptying out the baler wasn’t contacted due to downsizing caused by lowered taxes.

The boxes began to pile up and the Township Workers were forced to put all the boxes in a row. Within 3 short hours the row of boxes was 35 feet long and 6 feet high.

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Johnson finally screamed out in frustration “(Expletive) this!” Johnson then reached into a pile of metal scraps, pulled out a javelin shaped one and hurled it at townsfolks.

Thankfully nobody was severely hurt by the thrown javelin, but the fallout was massive. One woman, Olivia Smith, was pregnant at the time and was in the car as her husband was unloading materials. Smith was so startled by the event that her water broke 7 weeks prematurely and she went into massive labor right there in the car.

Another man, Roger Evans, jumped when he heard Johnson yell out. Evans was holding an industrial sized microwave at the time and slipped on a piece of black ice. The microwave landed on Evans’ groin area causing his testicles to obliterate almost instantaneously.

In an even more shocking twist, actor Christian Bale was there at the Recycling Plant dropping off a Christmas Tree. The onscreen tough guy broke down in a panic and pushed Selma Schmid, a 99-year old Holocaust survivor to the ground. Schmid immediately started having chest pains, went into cardiac arrest, and died on the spot.

Charges against Johnson are piling up and the entire Recycling Plant has been shut down pending an investigation. Also charges against Bale were brought up. Bale made slanderous comments about Jewish people in an interview with CNN recently and many speculate that this might’ve been a hate crime that can come off as coincidental.

Joe Reyes